I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
