we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
