96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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