Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
