I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
