you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
