my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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