I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
