Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
