Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
