My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
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You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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