i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
