Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
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I am midnight drunk by noon
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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