I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
