i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
