hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
