apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
