i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
