god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
