Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
