the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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