you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
