And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
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He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
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He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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