My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
