Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
