Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
