life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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