I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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