In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
