ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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