Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
