maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
