Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
