I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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