you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I love you.
Bad choice
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
