you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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