We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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