He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
