Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
