Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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