he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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