just come out here and I will go home with you...
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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