His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
