Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
