I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
