Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
