i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
