Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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