1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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