I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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