I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
