8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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