So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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