hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize