i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Randomize
