i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
