You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Dicks are not precious.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize