I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
