Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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