Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
