Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
