haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
