I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
