Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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