Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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